changed the blog

Just in case you didnt know already, I have changed the blog name so here is the new path!

http://slappinbitches.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

I feel like I have a case of the Naomi Campbells

So OCD overtook me this weekend.  Not sure why just lately I have felt the need to clean and organize.  I am usually able to control these crazy obsessions I have but I think I am just so stressed out lately that I don’t have the effort to try and control them anymore.  For example, Thanksgiving is coming up and seeing as how I love to cook and bake I have decided even though my Aunt is hosting dinner this year, I have taken it upon myself to offer up dessert appetizers pasta and hell why not handle brining and prepping the turkey too.  Now I will stress that I personally asked to do this.  How does this all time in to the case of crazies I have, well I spent a good chunk of yesterday creating an excel spreadsheet to figure out ingredients how much for what and in total, prep times as well as cooking temps and times.  Yes... I created a SPREAD SHEET.  Most normal people would I dunno write shit down on a piece of paper I decided Microsoft office would be much more efficient.  

So since I spent too much time on a ridiculous task trying to make it perfect yesterday, all my errands I wanted to run got pushed off to today.  And of course just my luck plans had to be changed.  Instead of going out and coming back in time for dinner with my sis and pat coming over later, they decided to come early in the day which kinda throws off schedule times.  Usually I would not care are all, however once I realized my schedule was thrown off I was irritated, not at her at all.  I love her and honestly just being around her calms me down when I get in modes like this.  So I was cool calm and collected when she was here and then a little after 1:30 they get ready to go.  So once they leave compulsion sets in and I have lists in hand purse and keys and I am out the door!   First stop Bed Bath and Beyond. 

I needed a new humidifier, I know exactly which one I want and need I just need to get in pick it up and peace out.  Now I go to the one closest to my house since I didn’t want to drive 20 min out for the same store... first bad decision of the day.  This Bed Bath and Beyond (b3 as they like to call themselves) appears to have been laid out by an epileptic monkey.  Nothing makes sense and it is laid out all crazy as irons are next to pots and shit.  So I am looking and looking, I still have yet to find the fucking humidifiers... finally after walking the loop twice I go over to customer service to ask and right next to it... there they are... why randomly in a shitty nook I have no idea.  I didn’t realize the slap chop was a more popular item during the winter than electric heaters and humidifiers, but then again what the fuck do I know!?  So I finally find the one I want and pick up the better looking of the two boxes.  Now at the register the cashier decides he needs to flirt with me... no.  Finally the total comes up and I pull out cash.  Now this is b-day money that I have had sitting in my room that I just have been too lazy to get to the bank and deposit yet.  So I count it all out and considering the amount it was quite a bit of cash to be carrying and the cashier decides to say 'well what does your family do?  Are they into waste management?'.  WTF!? Just because I am paying this amount in cash you are going to jump to a stupid conclusion like that, as I am holding my keys I wanted to just throw them at his stupid face as hard as possible at that moment, exhibit A of the Naomis.

So I run the rest of my errands and lastly end up at whole foods which as much as I complain about how expensive it can be, it really isn’t that bad and I love just putzing around in there.  So I finally get all my stuff together and I can't seem to find juniper berries so the logical option in my mind is I ask someone for help.  They lead me back to the spices which at this point due to my OCD I have already checked every single bottle by picking it up reading it and making sure all labels are facing out when I put them back (yeah its that intense).  Anyway I am telling him I have checked all the spices they aren’t there I was just wondering if they would be somewhere else as in is there a special 'Thanksgiving' display that they have been moved to, in which he replies 'no most people just don’t see what they want cause they are rushed and don’t take the time to look' in a snotty tone, and by the way they weren't there.  I had to resist the urge to chuck my cell phone at this asshats-face.  

Fast forward to going home eating dinner cleaning up and deciding I need to go set up my new humidifier in my room. So I open the box and what do I find... a box that looks like it has been a disguised return item.  Why am I saying this, well the cord was all loosy goosy and oh wait the thing itself was all scratched up, annnd a piece was BROKEN and the plastic around it was blatantly ripped almost chewed open.  Clearly someone returned it and they just put it right back on the shelf for someone else to purchase.  Considering how much I paid for it, I was furious.  This is when I wanted to drive back to wack ass B3... and throw the effing box at the building... however couldn’t since it was conveniently closed... see pictures below of my Naomi trigger from Bed Bath and Shitty.  And no worries they will hear and see my wrath tomorrow, I have no time for this ridiculousness.  I told my mom and then showed her and she just kinda said 'I am sorry for whoever is working at the counter tomorrow'  I tend to have a reputation of making customer service people cry (I do apologize.. well most of the time), lets hope you don’t see me on the news cause I was arrested for verbal abuse or something.  HP actually would immediately refer me to a manager when I would call.  I will fill you all in on that endeavor tomorrow.  I am also sure I will have some fun and festive train story as well!

 

I just want to junk punch...

Now I am not a hateful person, there are just a few people in the world that I just want to kick and or punch in the junk.  First up to bat... Rachael Ray, ok first off, why the extra a?  And not only do her recepies sound gross most of the time, but especially after the 30 minute meals shows they look like they will give you a case of the ass pisses... not really what I am looking for out of a meal.  Maybe I am a foodie snobby bitch, but I am pretty sure that your food should not look like someone took a shit on a plate and sprinkeld some parsley or doused it in mayo.  Gross.  That and her stupid products, really why would you go buy a GB bowl!? really?! You feel the need to spend money on a bowl to hold your garbage??? I feel like I must be missing something cause last time I checked, I can just take a bowl from my cupboard and do that right?  Or is this a magical bowl that will take the trimmings of whatever I am doing and convert it to somthing that patches the ozone layer and stop global warming or something?

My next candidate is Bobby Flay, god maybe he can kinda cook, but honestly I think it is just him that bugs me.  He just has this air abiout him of I am so great.  And why does everything he makes have to contain ancho chilis, or mole and that stupid signature sauce.  I mean I may be full of myself but some of his dishes just seem like common sense.  He makes it seem like some unicorn came to him at night at whispered the recepie to him in the form of stars and rainbows while he was dreaming about puppies and kittens... really grilled corn with queso, chili powder and lime or grilled corn salad... talk about brain buster recepies.  And mind you I personnaly have never seen him actually win a throwdown.  Maybe he has but you know when your record is like 100 losses to 2 wins, you shouldn't be such a cocky ass. 

Guy Fieri...

 Nuff said

Lastly, Zane Lamprey.  I will say this his job is great and I wish it was mine.  And that must be some experience, but to go to these different countries and just act like and asshole while these people are trying to teach you about their culture.  This makes you suck.  Also is it just me or is this just a rehash of the Anthony Bourdain concept except without the appreciation for what he is doing and lack of actual intellegance!?  I swear if I ever was stuck on a NJ transit, right before a platform of a station because there are leaves on the track, with the guy in front of me on his cell phone and these four assholes behind me all eating popcorn out of those stupid brown bags... this scenario would be my own personal hell.

Jesus found me.. Well kinda

So in my line of splendid glorious work we tend to have client visits form time to time.  This requires schlepping from our office in Chelsea to usually around grand central.  Not so far you say, well think again when you have to get there on a Veterans Day Wednesday.  This means PARADE! I do love a good parade however this day I did not.  We got in the cab completely unaware of the parade still, as we keep trying to turn to get over to 2nd denied each time.  So after about an hour... yes AN HOUR (mind you I could have walked this in maybe 20 min 30 def) and passing our office again we finally get to our destination.  

We have our meeting and what not and realize we are trying to catch a cab back at 4:30 on a weekday.  For those of you that know this is dumb a and awful timing  cause it is around when cabbies are changing shifts and no one wants to really pick anyone up.  So who do they make try and hail a cab... me...  however after trying to get one, being flipped off by one driver for no reason whatsoever then having to contend with some guy who kept saying ‘I'm from Milan’ and his stupid manila envelop flag, the Jersey in me started to come out so my boss decided we would walk for a bit till we were at a 'better spot'.  Now here is where Jesus finds me... since I have gone in to a slight bitch mode I am now currently standing with my back to 42nd with my boss and his boss trying to hail a cab.  I then hear someone yelling.  I turn to see who and it is a cabby.  Is he yelling at either of the 2 people trying to get a cab, no, he is yelling at me of course.  So as much as I know this is going to be an interesting ride since he decides to stalk down the one person not trying to get a cab at the time.  Mind you he is also on the other side of the street, however it is a cab and seeming to be the only one in the area willing to pick anyone up.  So I am looking around and there are pictures EVERYWHERE.  There is also binders of random pictures that he hands us to look at and fake plastic ivy and leaves, I think they were for the ‘fall feel’. 

We find out his name is Philip Frabosilo and he starts talking normally however he still has to make up for the crazy that is his vehicle at the time.  This is where my willpower starts kicking in.  Now as much as I am not a fan of crazy people being obsessed with me most of the time, sometimes it is like a little gift from god to make my day better, this was one of those moments.  After he makes his introductions he starts talking about how he is a preacher but not in a church he preaches in random parks as well as from his cab.  Apparently he is a movie star since he was in a documentary about fishing in the river, as well as another one in which they document his 'Rolling for Jesus'.  This is where he hands us his business card and I have to pull all my willpower to not start laughing.  He is also preaching to the point about god that all three of us in the back thought he was trying to convert me.  Out of the three of us I am the obvious candidate to most likely need the saving with me being brown and all. 

 Now it is around this come to Jesus speech that I notice that there is a camera in the front of his car, a small one like a web cam kinda of camera.  I don’t care if he taped me, however I have the feeling that he will feel bad when he reviews the footage, cause I was trying not to laugh and he will either realize this or he will mistake it for me coming to terms with my religious waywardness and wanting to holla at Jesus... either way not looking so good for me.  We are slowly getting closer to our destination and we find out oh he is an INTERNATIONAL movie star as he has some infomercial in Italy and Germany and another documentary done about him.  As he is talking about his documentary about his life he feels the need to point out that a Jewish girl made it (don’t worry I was just as confused hearing it as you are reading it) and says he will give us all free copies but then never actually gives them to us and never follows up with why us knowing the religion of the filmmaker to be pertinent info.   Finally we get there and as I was waiting for the receipt to printing he tells me to have a ‘blessed, god filled day’ and finally I get out.  Granted this is not the craziest situation that has come upon me however how only I would have the Rolling for Jesus cab stumble upond me.  However we then stumbled upon the Van Leeuwen truck which I LOVE and a Cafe Americano and mini hazelnut brown butter cake makes the world right again!

Crazy People LOVE me!

And sometimes this can be a good or an absolutely bad thing. I know I know, I am def not off to a great start with this whole blogging thing... since my last post was in AUGUST... Here is my problem, I have it in my head that my life is uneventful and that there isn't much to type about, then out of nowhere I am talking to someone going over my 'mundane' life and am told that I couldn't be farther than the truth. Well that and I seem to have the attention span of a kitten on crack. I have all intentions of getting to a computer and writing down the eventful things that have just occurred in my life and then I see something shiny out of the corner of my eye and there that blog post goes.

So before I spy with my little eye a fun shade of nail polish that I would rather try I will try and get this quick run down of just the top 3 fun things that have happened in a three day series. Why did I choose these three things you ask, well that is simple, they are just what I can remember in my pea sized brain right this sec.
First off, UConn homecoming, which was prob the best homecoming I have been to yet. For anyone who knows me, I LOVE all things UConn. The group we went with was amazing and we all totally got along. Drinks were had, I was drunk by 10 latest... food was grilled friends were seen. I did manage to take down the fence at some point due to me trying to climb over it and horribly misjudging how high to lift my leg. This lapse in depth perception led me to tripping over it about 3 times, the third time in which I totally take it out and fall to the ground. Thank god that 7 year old was close by to ask if I was ok and have his mom usher him away from me quickly. See said fence below:

After this point things get slightly fuzzy until pretty much the end of the game. All I know is that it was an amazing and enchanting time in the 'Tailgate Zone". We did manage to find a new friend, I am not sure what his real name is but we called him Pork & Jager. He was a real winner and not creepy at all. He thought he fit right in with our group... the group had a different opinion. The only downfall to the day events was that when we got back from the game some punks stole my cooler out of the bed of the truck, the part that made me the saddest was my veggie burgers were in it :( oh well I had Pringles instead! After all of that hooplah we ended up at a bar that none of us really wanted to be and which ended with me getting mad that they kicked a dog out of the bar so I stole all of the mints... I am still finding them around my room and car.  We then just hung out at Deans place till we all decided we were too tuckered out to do anything else.  I think the day ended with 50 gold stars for us!  Here are some photos to sum it all up P.S. Later that night at the bar I won the Tale-ie for the biggest boobs... I was pretty honored. The last pic has Pork and Jager in the black sweater all the way to the right of it and as you can see we are all pretty much laughing. Tomorrow will be Rolling for Jesus and sat will be Lynyrd meets GaGa.

BBC Is Turning My Moms Brain To Mush...

Ok so not totally... but I mean it surely isn't helping keep the crazy at bay. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mom... it’s just that she tends to get a bit carried away with things. For example, when that whole thing about the lipstick being toxic came out my sister and I both had emails within seconds of the release with an article on what brands and such. Well valid you say, well not really neither my sister nor I wear lipstick... AT ALL... so not relevant.

My moms new kick is this show where peoples houses are a mess and these two English women go in and clean it and test for mold and dust and bacteria, I believe it is called "How Clean Is Your House". Now if anyone has seen this show you know that the houses that they go to are beyond gross. These people haven't cleaned in god knows how long gross. So after watching an episode of this show my mom is nervous that we have mold spores and random types of bacteria that were named on that show (mind you she also tends to make up names that sound similar to the actual names). Also I had to endure the small freak-out she had about how the cats must be sick since I haven't cleaned the litter box in 2 days and 'bacteria is growing in it and have made them sick'. Now ok I get the need to keep your pets healthy, I overindulge my pets beyond belief, however the owners on this show cleaned the box about once every few months... let me repeat that... ONCE every few MONTHS. Yes you heard right MONTHS... now all things aside that is downright abuse, no wonder the cats were sick on the show. Now also lets remember my cats have not had their litter box cleaned at this point in 2 days, as in I last cleaned it on Sunday and it was now Tuesday... this folks is why I think the BBC is a little too intense for her.

However I will say this again... I love my mom, she is awesome, and in a sense her craziness is a part of who she is. I think my life would be boring if I didn't walk in to my house on a random Tuesday hearing her yell fragmented sentences that include phrases such as 'MOLD SPORES', 'HEPA FILTRATION' or my favorite thing, 'FLESH EATING BACTERIA'. This mayhem just makes me smile now and my life is happier because of it. Now as far fetched as she can become she means well, I mean what mom would want to see flesh eating bacteria appear in their house... I guess the only solution is to try and wean her off of the BBC for now… or at least until they have other shows.

Welcome Welcome Welcome... Now Get The Hell Out

Today is the day that I actually do this. What is "this" you ask, well to be frank I am asking myself the same question. I have been told I need to have a creative outlet as in, I have been told I need to write a book or at least have a video camera following me around to document the random yet apparently entertaining things that happen in my life. Well I was never very good at the English language... SATs proved that to me apparently, and I honestly don't have the random wads of cash lying around that would allow me to hire someone to follow me around with a camera. And really and truthfully if I ever DID have that kinda cash I would opt for someone to carry something fun and festive, like a pinwheel or boom box behind me, not a camera.

Anyway back to the subject... this is the whole blogging thing. If anyone reads it I have no idea however I hope i am slightly entertaining and you all get a kick out of my rants and raves! So here goes!